Archive for the ‘Personal development’ Category

When generalisations are unhelpful

July 30, 2013

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a comment, such as ‘Women can’t read maps’?

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Or ‘Men don’t listen’

And when was the last time you were the perpetrator of such a comment; e.g. …‘You never offer to help me with household jobs!’

Or ‘You’re always late!’

If you’re on the receiving end of such generalisations it can result in anger or frustration, and often a retaliatory comment.

But wait … Generalisations are a helpful way of making sense of the world.

As a child you would have been told the name of objects, such as door, spoon, ball, etc. … and then these labels would be given to other doors, spoons, balls, which were different but you’d work out that they shared common features. Then eventually you would be able to label other doors using this new found knowledge, without anyone telling you!

So our ability to generalise saves us from re-learning things over and over again.

It’s when we make generalisations about human behaviour that it can get us into trouble!

Some tips …

If you hear yourself making generalisations, listen out for the verbal clues that can accompany them.

For example: use of the following words … all, every, never, always

  • He/She never delivers a good presentation
  • Every time I make a suggestion, you ignore it
  • always receive negative feedback when I try to introduce something new

This unhelpful language often limits us to take action, move forward, choose something different, and see the positive actions of others.

So, whenever  you hear yourself making general statements, ask yourself the following:

  • What never? / Always? / Every time?
  • How helpful is this statement to me?

Which unhelpful generalisations have you heard or made recently?

How have you dealt with generalisations directed at you?

 

3 Rs of a solid team

February 4, 2013

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  • How solid is your team?
  • How do you know?
  • What would you consider to be the foundations of a great team?

When I say ‘team’ – this could mean the whole staff team or, more typically, one of several teams within your organisation.

Teams are about people, and people work well together when they have developed strong relationships with each other. The following 3 Rs suggest how this might start.

1. Rules

These are the ground rules which describe the set of normal team behaviours. They may be more important for newly formed teams, but would benefit any team. Some rules may include:

  • open and honest communication
  • a team approach to solving team problems
  • acknowledging the rights of fellow team members
  • constructive debate when introducing new policies
  • using fair and objective decision-making processes

What would your team rules be?

2. Responsibility

Along with team members needing to be clear about their roles within the team, they also need to know what they are responsible for. This may seem like common sense, and if team members know their roles, it often follows that they will know what their responsibilities are.

However, I think there is a difference between being responsible for something and taking responsibility for something. The latter can have labels such as ‘weakness’ or ‘blame’ attached to it if something hasn’t gone according to plan.

I think it’s quite a strong personal trait to take responsibility for things (under your remit) that don’t go well. Acknowledging this to your team will gain you greater respect. We’re all human, and no-one’s perfect! Speaking of respect …

3. Respect

This includes respecting team members’ points of view, and showing courtesy. You don’t have to be their best friend. Also – if you find yourself thinking that someone in your team is ‘annoying’, try to separate out the behaviour from the person. If you can do this then when they change that behaviour to something ‘less annoying’ to you – you’re more likely to see it and change your opinion of them for the better.

If you show respect for others, you are far more likely to be respected in return. There’s a great parable that demonstrates this …

An uncle was sat at the side of a road with his nephew, in 19th century Ireland, when a traveller walked by.

‘Good day sir,’ he said. ‘I am  travelling to the village over the hill. Can you tell me what the people are like there?’

‘Well,’ said the uncle, ‘you’ve just been to the village on this side of the hill – how did you find the people there?’

‘Oh, they were great,’ replied the traveller, ‘really friendly and welcoming.’

‘Well, that’s good to hear,’ said the uncle, ‘because that’s just what the people are like in the village over the hill.’ With that, the happy traveller headed off to the next village.

Some time later another traveller walked past. ‘Good day sir,’ he said to the uncle. ‘I am travelling to the village over the hill. Can you tell me what the people are like there?’

‘Well,’ said the uncle, ‘you’ve just been to the village on this side of the hill – how did you find the people there?’

‘Oh, they weren’t friendly at all … very unwelcoming. I didn’t like the village at all,’ replied the traveller.

‘Well I am sorry to tell you this,’ said the uncle, ‘but that’s how you will find the people in the next village.’ The unhappy traveller headed off to the next village.

‘Uncle,’ said the nephew a short while later, ‘to whom did you tell the truth?’

‘I told the truth to both of them,’ he said. ‘The point is, people reap what they sow.’

What would the 3 key elements be for a strong team in your organisation?

2013 Goals – It’s all in the language

January 14, 2013

Popular targets people set for themselves are around what they want less of in the year ahead …

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  • I want to eat less chocolate
  • I want to lose weight
  • I want to be less stressed
  • I want less clutter
  • I want to work less evenings during the week

Have you ever found yourself phrasing your goals in terms of what you are trying to avoid, reduce or give up?

What we say to ourselves about the changes we want to make is crucial in achieving those changes.

When I was doing my coaching training, one thing I learned stuck in my mind … apparently the brain doesn’t process negative language the way we intend it to.

So for  “I want to eat less chocolate”, the brain doesn’t interpret that you want to reduce your chocolate intake, rather it focuses on “I want to eat ___ chocolate”.

Thinking about how I used to set goals it makes sense that this was happening with me on a conscious as well as a subconscious level. Whenever I thought about my goals I found myself reminded about what I was trying to avoid!

So focus on what you want, rather than on what you’re aiming to avoid – even if you start from the latter point, you can always re-word your goals to something more positive and achievable.

For example:

  • I want to eat fruit (or other healthier) snacks between meals
  • I want to be ___ kg (or stone/pounds!)
  • I want to have strategies I can use for stressful situations
  • I want to create a tidy home/work space
  • I want to have 3 evenings a week to spend with family/friends/chilling out

How have you worded your goals this year?

What do you want in 2013?

January 2, 2013

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As you look forward into 2013, allow yourself time to consider what you actually want. 

Give yourself a few days at least to think about what you achieved last year, what worked, what didn’t, and perhaps why … this will help with setting goals that are realistic.

Where to start?

3 possible starting points …

1. What things are important to you?

What do you want to ensure that you keep (or create) in your life?

2. Starting from “OK”

If everything’s OK but you want it to be better, take a more strategic approach and look at the different areas of your life.

For example:

  • family & friends
  • work / career
  • finances
  • personal development
  • relationships
  • environment
  • hobbies and interests
  • health & fitness

Review each area and give it a score out of 10 for how content you are. The lower scoring ones may point you towards areas where you want to create goals for 2013.

3. What are the main issues for you right now?

You may have some areas that are more pressing right now; things that you want to change as a matter of urgency (e.g. new job, saving money, spending more time with a family member)

And don’t forget …

  • Make sure your goals are what you want for yourself, not what someone else wants for you. Likewise, you can’t control others, so don’t set goals that are about someone else changing something, or behaving differently … it will be very difficult to ensure this goal is met! Instead, consider what changes you could make in this area to improve the situation.
  • Dare to dream a little! Someone challenged me to do this with regard to my business goals last year, and some of them came true 9 months early!
  • Send yourself a postcard!

More on goal-setting next week 🙂

How do you start the thinking process when setting yourself goals?

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 12

December 24, 2012

Day #12: Now just enjoy!!

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So hopefully by now – whatever your plans for the next fews days – you’ll be just about ready!

There will need to come a point, if you’re not there already, when you decide that you’ve done as much as you can.

Once you’re there, it’s about enjoying the moment! Make the most of all your experiences over the next few days. Look for the positives, rather than focusing on what’s not gone according to plan. Maximise those moments with family and friends.

Decide that your mindset is going to be a “glass half-full” one … or even one that’s brimming over!

However you are spending this holiday period, make it the best one you can 🙂

Wishing you all a fabulous Christmas and a happy, healthy and successful 2013!

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 11

December 23, 2012

Day #11: Look after yourself!

Mixed FruitThe main reason why today’s blog is later than usual is because I’ve had to follow my own advice! 

Following a particularly long journey over the weekend, I ended up with a thumping headache which I couldn’t shift and had to spend some time in bed.

I’m pleased to say it’s now gone, and although I’m feeling quite drained I’m much better. I knew I just needed to take some time out to recover before I could get back on track.

I haven’t done everything I wanted to do over the weekend, but I know I’m not superhuman … now I just need to prioritise what Christmas prep I’ve not done yet, and do what I can tomorrow!

One of the things I know I must do for myself is to eat as healthily as I can tomorrow, to help speed up my recovery and improve my energy levels.

What are you doing to give your energy a boost at the moment?

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 10

December 22, 2012

Day #10: Don’t succumb to Christmas fever!

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No I don’t mean the flu or a temperature from a bug you’ve picked up (although try to avoid that too!)

I mean that haze which seems to engulf some people at this time of year.

Typical examples include:

  • People who stop with their shopping trolley in the middle of an aisle to try and remember why they wanted down that aisle.  Forgetting what you wanted isn’t the problem, it’s the resulting queue behind you that can cause an issue. When I have these ‘senior’ moments of forgetfulness I try to remember to move over to one side whilst I collect my thoughts, satisfied in the knowledge that I’ve saved my fellow shoppers from a little extra frustration!
  • Drivers who become particularly selfish and won’t let their fellow road users into a queue of traffic. Everyone wants to progress with their journey in the fastest way possible, but queues are an unavoidable result of last minute shopping trips and extra visits to family/friends, etc.

Perhaps you can think of some other examples?

The key thing to leave home with at this time of year is an extra dose of patience!

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 9

December 21, 2012

Day #9: Use your strengths to see you through this busy period

SWOT analysis, strength, weakness, opportunity, and threat words

Are you good at organising people?

Can you solve problems relatively quickly and efficiently?

Do you possess good communication skills?

These are examples of the kind of skills/strengths that can stand you in good stead in the lead up to Christmas.

When you use what you’re good at it can make the holiday period less stressful because these skills come more naturally to you.

 What are your strengths, and how are you using them at the moment?

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 8

December 20, 2012

Day #8: Be realistic – you’re not superhuman!

iStock_000000373073XSmallKnow your limits and don’t say “yes” to everything because you’re concerned about letting people down if you say “no”.

If you’re the type of person who likes to help others, you may find yourself inundated with requests or feel obliged to help those who seem to be struggling.

This is all fine if you can manage additional tasks without impacting on the important things you already have lined up to do.

Keep demands on your time in check; stop and think before answering “yes, of course I’ll help you with that” …

Do you really have time?

What are you prepared to give up to do this?

Be prepared to say a polite “no thanks”, if necessary.

See #3 on Day 1 for other assertive phrases you could use!

The 12 Stress Less Days to Christmas: Day 7

December 19, 2012

Day #7: Don’t forget your sense of humour!

'Eat Ham' TurkeyWhat makes you laugh?

  • your pets?
  • your children?
  • a comedy programme?
  • a funny cartoon or video?
  • a colleague? (the jokes may not be that funny – it’s all about delivery!)

The average adult laughs 15 times a day. 

The average 4 yr old laughs 400 times! 

Are you getting your daily quota?

I’ve got some favourites that I can rely on to make me smile or laugh out loud. I’m sure you have yours too.

I’m a fan of Bob Newhart: “Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.”

Perhaps this is a good mantra for those more stressful times??

Will leave you with one of my favourite sketches of his. Feel free to share links to yours below!